To Tell or Not to Tell…the Wife?

To tell or not to tell…the wife?

Over the years I have had men discuss with me whether to tell their wives about their internal lust.  With certain sins this is a “no brainer”; but with others, there tends to be some question.

For a few, they were told to either meet with me or start attending Clean Heart because their wife had discovered their issue.  But then the wife did not want to hear about the issue anymore, almost as if their non-involvement made it easier for them.  Or, maybe they were just uncomfortable and had no idea what to do.

This week I read a book titled, To Kill a Lion, by Bruce Lengeman. He also discussed how he had to make a choice when he started his healing journey.  After his first two counseling sessions he did tell his wife about his lustful heart.  He invited her to be part of his counseling and process of healing.  Somewhat expecting a negative reaction, he was surprised with his wife’s positive response toward his invitation.  Instead of looking down on him, she developed a stronger admiration for him. She viewed his desire to be a man with a heart of sexual integrity as strength instead of viewing his reaching out for help as a weakness.

By no means was he, or I, suggesting that the wife become a husband’s accountability partner.  Accountability partners are more successful and develop less friction if they are of the same sex.  But Pastor Lengeman does advocate that a wife be involved in a husband’s healing process.

So, knowing that there are a number of women, both single and married, who read the Clean Heart for Men blog; I am asking for your input:

  • Would you prefer your husband to tell you or not?
  • Would the type of issue he had determine if you would want to be told or not?
  • Would you want limits on how much he told you?
  •  Would you want to be a part of his counseling and/or healing process?  If you were educated on how to do so, would that matter?
  • Would you view his desire to have a heart of sexual integrity as strength? Or would you view the fact that he has an issue to be weakness?
  • If you were the one with the lustful heart issue, would you want your husband to be a part of your healing process?

I am interested in hearing the thoughts of women: single, married, widowed, or divorced.  Please let us hear your thoughts on the issue.  If you would prefer a form of anonymity, feel free to type in a false name or simply put “clean heart wife” as your name.

3 thoughts on “To Tell or Not to Tell…the Wife?

  1. I think all men struggle with this. some more than others. I would not want specific details, nor would i want him to tell me who it was, for fear i’d be jealous & i’d start sinning. but i see it as a strength. i know someone recently that found out her husband was having lust & bigger issues. but she found out on her own. Now they are in Bible study & prayer together like never before. he goes to men’s Bible studies once a week as well as church services. so thankful he was willing to go through this process.

  2. Lustful hearts lead to other sins. A man that choses to face the issue is trying to protect his heart, his soul and the relationship. I would want to know. I would want to be a part of the process. I would want him to know that I was his partner and had his back on this as well as every other difficult situation that attacked our marriage, just as I would if he was diagnosed with cancer. Would I look at it as a weakness. Is cancer or the flu a weakness? No, they attack the body and weaken it. Lust attacks the heart and the soul. Lust eats away at the strength and integrity of the human heart and soul, it weakens it’s host and the relationships around it, if it is not fought. I would want to be by his side helping him fight this “disease” with everything I had, to help strengthen him and our relationship.

  3. Here are a few comments posted on Facebook:

    Scott Haney: Honestly is the best approach.
    12 hours ago · Like

    Keith Sikes: The brother has a good heart, but some wives are not emotionally equipped to handle honesty in some realms. “I honestly love you baby, but experience has shown me that I need to answer to the guys about some things..”
    11 hours ago · Like

    Scott Haney: Agree
    11 hours ago · Like

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