To Tell or Not to Tell…the Wife?

To tell or not to tell…the wife?

Over the years I have had men discuss with me whether to tell their wives about their internal lust.  With certain sins this is a “no brainer”; but with others, there tends to be some question.

For a few, they were told to either meet with me or start attending Clean Heart because their wife had discovered their issue.  But then the wife did not want to hear about the issue anymore, almost as if their non-involvement made it easier for them.  Or, maybe they were just uncomfortable and had no idea what to do.

This week I read a book titled, To Kill a Lion, by Bruce Lengeman. He also discussed how he had to make a choice when he started his healing journey.  After his first two counseling sessions he did tell his wife about his lustful heart.  He invited her to be part of his counseling and process of healing.  Somewhat expecting a negative reaction, he was surprised with his wife’s positive response toward his invitation.  Instead of looking down on him, she developed a stronger admiration for him. She viewed his desire to be a man with a heart of sexual integrity as strength instead of viewing his reaching out for help as a weakness.

By no means was he, or I, suggesting that the wife become a husband’s accountability partner.  Accountability partners are more successful and develop less friction if they are of the same sex.  But Pastor Lengeman does advocate that a wife be involved in a husband’s healing process.

So, knowing that there are a number of women, both single and married, who read the Clean Heart for Men blog; I am asking for your input:

  • Would you prefer your husband to tell you or not?
  • Would the type of issue he had determine if you would want to be told or not?
  • Would you want limits on how much he told you?
  •  Would you want to be a part of his counseling and/or healing process?  If you were educated on how to do so, would that matter?
  • Would you view his desire to have a heart of sexual integrity as strength? Or would you view the fact that he has an issue to be weakness?
  • If you were the one with the lustful heart issue, would you want your husband to be a part of your healing process?

I am interested in hearing the thoughts of women: single, married, widowed, or divorced.  Please let us hear your thoughts on the issue.  If you would prefer a form of anonymity, feel free to type in a false name or simply put “clean heart wife” as your name.

Too Sexy: A He Said, She Said Perspective

He said, by Scott:

 “My body should only be for my husband, and it’s just a sacred thing”Kylie Bisutti

For years I have been hearing from Christian women that they should be able to dress “sexy,” and that it is every guy’s responsibility to control his thoughts regardless of how “sexy” is “sexy.”  Though it is true that men need to take responsibility for their thought life, there is also a responsibility placed upon the Christian woman.

Kylie Bisutti became a Victoria’s Secret model in 2009 and after studying the Bible and considering she was a Christian growing in the faith, she decided that showing off her body in lingerie is not something a mature Christian woman should do for anyone other than her husband. 

In addition to her body being meant for her husband, Kylie realized that there were many young Christian girls looking up to her thinking that it is alright for a Christian woman to show off her body in such a manner to everyone.  She still wants the girls to be able to look up to her as a role model, and is continuing her modeling career, but a model that is dressed appropriately.

I do not know Kylie and I am sure there will be critics trying to point out inconsistencies in her life choices; regardless, concerning this decision, I commend her for making the change.

She said, by Lisa:

 For years, I have NOT been hearing from Christian women that they should be able to dress “sexy,” so I was quite interested in the story of Kylie Bisutti, a girl who in 2009 achieved every little girl’s dream, so I thought. To be a model is one of the pinnacles, the dream little girls list after the age of wanting to be a “princess.” And she definitely looks the part—beautiful! Long hair, beautiful body, beautiful face, I’m sure if I were a man she would be a “dream girl.”

So, in a society where women are told that no one has the right to tell them anything about how they should act, what they should do, and how they should dress, I was pleasantly surprised to see one of the “ideals” saying that she was having second thoughts.  She knows she has the attention of young girls who admire her and feels the responsibility of it.  You see, I don’t hear from Christian women that they should be able to dress “sexy,” because I don’t believe it and my circle of friends know it.  But, it’s not for the reasons that you think.

To dress sexy is a power in many women’s minds, and every store in America will help us in this quest, if we want it.  I don’t.  I have too much respect for my fellow brothers in Christ, and that is what they are.  They’re not men to parade in front of, to try and catch their eye, but brothers to live our lives with, work and serve alongside, and when I carry myself proudly, eloquently, and dressed in a way that honors God, I gain something we women secretly want more from men —wholehearted interest and respect.

Society used to believe in admiring the dignity of truly beautiful women who carried themselves with grace, something that God will endow each of us with if we ask it. We don’t need the sexy look to be beautiful! Don’t get me wrong, I do believe I’m beautiful, and I have a sneaking suspicion that Kylie in the long run will be considered a truly beautiful woman long after the press forgets her. And respected, and honored. Funny, I think that’s what we really want.

Author’s Note: Scott and Lisa have been married for 18 years and have three daughters.

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