Romantic Fantasy vs. Pornographic Fantasy

Marriage is a committed and intimate relationship between a man and a woman involving both physical and emotional intimacy.  Most would agree that the common view is that men have a stronger desire for the physical intimacy and women have a stronger desire for the emotional intimacy.  This can also be seen in the choice of reading or viewing preference.  Men typically are drawn toward reading and video that portray “graphic” sexual acts and women typically are drawn toward “romantic” novels or “chick flicks.”

There are many areas we could consider here, but I would like to suggest that the effects of both are similar—they both present a fantasy world that pulls the married couple away from each other. 

Consider this: a husband and wife are enjoying time at home dedicated for an intimate encounter.   The wife desiring a man who is actively involved in the emotional act of intimacy with her through romance, and the husband desiring a woman who is actively involved in the physical act of intimacy; however, the husband does not involve himself in her desire and the wife does not involve herself in his desire.  So, during their physical act the wife is mentally involved in her “fantasy” of the romantic novel or chick flick and the husband is mentally involved with images of a pornographic video or story.  They are in the present act of sex but lack any true intimacy.

Both the romantic material and the pornographic material contribute toward each person emotionally moving away from their spouse, depriving each of true intimacy, the wife is not satisfied and the husband is not satisfied. The wife is intimate with her novel’s and chick flicks, while the husband is intimate with his pornography in whatever form.

There is not a man alive who could ever be as romantic as a movie or book portrays a character.  A writer or group of writers write and rewrite romantic phrases until the perfect phrase is developed and teams of people work on the lighting and scenery for hours for the right romantic shot for the movie.

There is no woman who could live up to the “sexual acting” of a porn video.  The camera does not record the actress curled up in a corner crying after a pornographic scene and the industry does not advertize the vast amount of woman who participate with one movie to never “act” again because the experience was so degrading and humiliating.

Intimacy develops when the husband overcomes any insecurities, learns how to be romantic, and actually puts forth the effort into the emotional intimacy of the relationship, and the wife overcomes any of her insecurities and becomes active and present in the physical intimacy of the relationship.  We find true intimacy in a God fearing relationship in which each spouse is focused on the intimacies of each other instead of false intimacies of their respective fantasy worlds.

When viewed from this perspective, “romantic novels” and “chick flicks” have the same effect as “pornography.”

Statistically Speaking

Statistics can sometimes be eye opening.  We have now included in the Clean Heart for Men site a statistics page.  Below are a few of those stats.  These stats only involve pornography, they do not show the stats of broken and dysfunctional families due to the many forms of sexual sin.

The reason we have decided to include these statistics is to help open the eyes of the church that we need to address and help people live lives of sexual integrity.  As uncomfortable as it may be, we need to start being proactive and speak about these issues inside the church.

These are issues that are addressed in Scripture and if God felt the need to include the topic in His Word, then we as a church must include it in our sermon series, Bible study’s, and our church focus groups.

I understand and agree that the topics must be presented in such a way that our audiences will open themselves up and receive; however, they still need to be addressed and not glossed over.

* April 6, 2007: 70% of Christians admitted to struggling with porn in their daily lives. From a non-scientific poll taken by XXXChurch, as reported by CNN.

* August 7, 2006: 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women are addicted to pornography. 60% of the women who answered the survey admitted to having significant struggles with lust; 40% admitted to being involved in sexual sin in the past year; and 20% of the church-going female participants struggle with looking at pornography on an ongoing basis.  (From the results of a ChristiaNet poll reported by

*At 13.3 billion, the 2006 revenues of the sex and porn industry in the U.S. are bigger than the NFL, NBA and Major League Baseball combined.

Worldwide sex industry sales for 2006 are reported to be 97 billion. To put this in perspective, Microsoft, who sells the operating system used on most of the computers in the world (in addition to other software) reported sales of 44.8 billion in 2006.  (Internet Filter Review)