Sex ED: Free Sex—No Cost

Could marriage no longer be for you?

Have you considered that a successful marriage could be the cost for your past sexual behavior?

The Apostle Paul wrote a letter to the Christians living in a city that was filled with free sex.  The people who lived in the city of Corinth removed most and sometimes all their guidelines for the expression of sexuality.  As you read the letter of I Corinthians, you will develop an understanding of their behaviors.  These behaviors involved group sex, sex with different partners, even sex with family members. 

Paul tells the Christians there that they had to stop their behavior immediately.  He tells them that if their sexual desire rules them, then they should marry one person of the opposite sex and within the covenant of marriage they can enjoy their sexuality.

He went on to recommend to all the single people that they should not get married.  He prefaces this statement by saying “because of this present crisis.”  Because of their “free sex,” the cost could be a successful marriage.  Though he encouraged them to remain single, he did say that if they chose to marry anyway that it was not sin.  His warning was to protect them from future heartache.

“But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems.” (I Corinthians 7:28)

Let’s consider Paul’s advice in the terms of food.  For those of us who have removed most or all restraint from how much we eat, there is a cost to be paid.  If we desire to live a life within a healthy weight, then we will have to really work hard and possibly have to give up buffets, parties with unlimited food, go without sugar, and implement other restrictions, to help us reach a healthy weight.

The idea here is NOT that an overweight person cannot live a life within a healthy weight.  The idea IS that a life lived within a healthy weight will never be as easy for us as it will be for the person who has never abused food.  A healthy weight is possible, but it won’t be as easy as it is for a person who has always had a healthy weight.

I understand that there are many reasons for divorce; however, let’s consider that one of the reasons for a large percentage of divorces is related to sexual sin.

The divorce rate in America is approximately:

  • 40% for first time marriages
  • 60% for second time marriages
  • 70+% for third time marriages
  • 85% of those who cohabitate prior to marriage divorce

So what can we get out of this?

First, there is never such a thing as “free sex.”  Second, if you have lived a life of free sex and you choose to marry, then go into the marriage with a proactive attitude and implement some strategies to ensure the success of your marriage.

I suggest the following:

  • Repent of your past and current behaviors of sexual sin
  • Stop any current sexual sins
  • If needed, seek out professional counseling to address any individual issues
  • Seek out a good pre-marital counseling program and successfully complete it
  • Seek out an established married couple (10+ years) and ask if they would be willing to mentor you in your marriage for the first year or two.  (Don’t be afraid to ask questions, not all marriages that appear to be successful truly are.)
  • Continually read books on marriage and friendship.
  • Never wait until your issues become overwhelming to ask for help.
  • Keep your individual lives focused on God
  • Keep your marriage focused on God
  • Pray for and with your spouse everyday

Sex ED: the Christian Alternative to Sex

Oral Sex—the Christian Alternative to Sex

As a teen going to church camp I was taught that anything below the neck is considered sex.  So, we would joke by suggesting if we were to stand upside down then everything above the neck would be OK.

As we continue our SEX ED series, let’s consider the sexuality of oral sex.  I am obviously referring to this activity involving those who are single, or participating with someone other than his or her spouse.  As with many of the topics we discuss on the Clean Heart for Men blog, they may be uncomfortable for some, but necessary to discuss.  Ignoring these uncomfortable issues does not change the fact that they are issues among society and the church.

I decided to address this topic a couple of months ago when my wife told me about an ad she saw for a book titled, Oral Sex: the New Kiss Goodnight.

According to several articles in the New York Times, and, over 50% of teens 15 to 19 years of age have engaged in both the giving and receiving of oral sex.  The assumption would be that females would have a higher percentage of giving than receiving when compared to males, but research has revealed the percentages to be virtually the same for each gender.

When the ages are broken down the results show that 42% of teens 15-17 years have participated and over 70% of teens 18-19 have engaged in oral sex. 

These stats are representative of the American society as a whole, but what about the Christian community?  A 2003 Northern Kentucky University study of people who had signed sexual abstinence cards revealed 61% had broken their pledge.  Of the remaining 49% who said they had not broken their pledge, 55% admitted to engaging in oral sex and did not believe that to be sex (

Recently, I had a pastor friend of mine call to discuss how he could help a man in his church that had discovered his wife had been “friendly” with another man and had given that friend oral sex, and she did not consider her behavior to be wrong.

Here is the truth. Regardless of how one attempts to rationalize their behavior, most men have no issue with their wife shaking hands with another man or even giving another man a kiss on the cheek. I have yet to have a man, Christian or not, admit that he would have no problem with his wife giving a family friend or total stranger oral sex; unless he was so into sexual sin that his conscience was seared.

So other than, “it feels good,” why do we try to rationalize this type of behavior outside the covenant of marriage?  How can people consider this activity to not be sexual, when even the name has “sex” in it?

I suggest for the exact same reasons we involve ourselves with sexual intercourse outside of marriage.  The act of sex provides a sense of intimacy, but when we establish our relationship on the act of sex and not on the foundation of Christ, we set up our relationship for failure. 

Instead of trying to justify and rationalize any form of sex outside of marriage, let’s place our relationship with Jesus as our main priority and simply take him at His Word. Instead of having an attitude that is focused on “how much I can focus on myself before I hurt my relationship with God;” let’s develop an attitude that is focused on “what I can do to better my relationship with God.”  Instead of thinking, “how far can I go before I ruin my marriage,” or future marriage, let’s focus our thoughts on, “how I can honor God in my marriage and honor my wife.”

If you are a believer and have already crossed that line or have established a repeating pattern, I encourage you to first repent—ask God for forgiveness, determine to not repeat the behavior until you are married, and ask a Christian brother or sister (person of the same sex) you trust for help.  If you are a man, you can also find help at a Clean Heart for Men meeting.

Let’s resolve to stop justifying or rationalizing reasons to not follow God at His Word.