Soul Mate

“I want you to teach me how I can continue this relationship and not feel bad.”

This is what a man I once counseled asked of me.  He was married with children, and involved in an adulterous relationship with another woman, whom he referred as his “soul mate.”

I could barely believe what I was hearing.  I had been meeting with this man for several weeks establishing the counseling relationship.  The directive of this session was to establish a clear goal for our counseling.  This was a man who was a professing believer in Christ, consistent attendee of our church, and someone with whom I had worked in ministry.  Here he was asking me to help him learn how not to feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit for his sinful behavior and attitude.

This man was to the point in which he felt as if he made a mistake when he married his wife.  He thought he had chosen the wrong woman for his wife.  If only he had waited to marry until he had found this woman who was his “soul mate.”

O, did I mention she also was married to another man with children?

Have you been there?  Are you there right now? 

Do you think you made the wrong choice when you married?  Do you feel like you have to make a choice between being miserable for the rest of your life or leaving the marriage so you can enjoy your life and possibly with someone better for you, maybe your “soul mate”?

“For those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord.  A wife must not leave her husband.  But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else be reconciled to him. And the husband must not leave his wife……Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches.” (I Corinthians 7:10-11, 17)

These words of the Apostle Paul can be tough to hear.  What is communicated here is the idea that your “marriage” is more important than your personal happiness.

I understand that there are times when there is nothing a person can do to salvage a marriage, especially if your spouse is set on abandoning it, or if your life is in danger due to your spouse’s behavior.

The consideration to abandon your marriage should be the same consideration you would give for having an arm or leg amputated from your body.  When God Married Adam and Eve in Genesis 2, they became “ONE flesh.”  Jesus repeats this line of thinking in Matthew 19 and Mark 10, when he refers to Genesis 2.  When a man and woman are married they are “one” and if they divide it will hurt and it will be messy with huge wounds.

If you are finding yourself in this marriage dilemma, I encourage you to change your thinking to how God can help you influence your marriage for the Glory of God.   

Sex ED: Free Sex—No Cost

Could marriage no longer be for you?

Have you considered that a successful marriage could be the cost for your past sexual behavior?

The Apostle Paul wrote a letter to the Christians living in a city that was filled with free sex.  The people who lived in the city of Corinth removed most and sometimes all their guidelines for the expression of sexuality.  As you read the letter of I Corinthians, you will develop an understanding of their behaviors.  These behaviors involved group sex, sex with different partners, even sex with family members. 

Paul tells the Christians there that they had to stop their behavior immediately.  He tells them that if their sexual desire rules them, then they should marry one person of the opposite sex and within the covenant of marriage they can enjoy their sexuality.

He went on to recommend to all the single people that they should not get married.  He prefaces this statement by saying “because of this present crisis.”  Because of their “free sex,” the cost could be a successful marriage.  Though he encouraged them to remain single, he did say that if they chose to marry anyway that it was not sin.  His warning was to protect them from future heartache.

“But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems.” (I Corinthians 7:28)

Let’s consider Paul’s advice in the terms of food.  For those of us who have removed most or all restraint from how much we eat, there is a cost to be paid.  If we desire to live a life within a healthy weight, then we will have to really work hard and possibly have to give up buffets, parties with unlimited food, go without sugar, and implement other restrictions, to help us reach a healthy weight.

The idea here is NOT that an overweight person cannot live a life within a healthy weight.  The idea IS that a life lived within a healthy weight will never be as easy for us as it will be for the person who has never abused food.  A healthy weight is possible, but it won’t be as easy as it is for a person who has always had a healthy weight.

I understand that there are many reasons for divorce; however, let’s consider that one of the reasons for a large percentage of divorces is related to sexual sin.

The divorce rate in America is approximately:

  • 40% for first time marriages
  • 60% for second time marriages
  • 70+% for third time marriages
  • 85% of those who cohabitate prior to marriage divorce

So what can we get out of this?

First, there is never such a thing as “free sex.”  Second, if you have lived a life of free sex and you choose to marry, then go into the marriage with a proactive attitude and implement some strategies to ensure the success of your marriage.

I suggest the following:

  • Repent of your past and current behaviors of sexual sin
  • Stop any current sexual sins
  • If needed, seek out professional counseling to address any individual issues
  • Seek out a good pre-marital counseling program and successfully complete it
  • Seek out an established married couple (10+ years) and ask if they would be willing to mentor you in your marriage for the first year or two.  (Don’t be afraid to ask questions, not all marriages that appear to be successful truly are.)
  • Continually read books on marriage and friendship.
  • Never wait until your issues become overwhelming to ask for help.
  • Keep your individual lives focused on God
  • Keep your marriage focused on God
  • Pray for and with your spouse everyday