Soul Mate

“I want you to teach me how I can continue this relationship and not feel bad.”

This is what a man I once counseled asked of me.  He was married with children, and involved in an adulterous relationship with another woman, whom he referred as his “soul mate.”

I could barely believe what I was hearing.  I had been meeting with this man for several weeks establishing the counseling relationship.  The directive of this session was to establish a clear goal for our counseling.  This was a man who was a professing believer in Christ, consistent attendee of our church, and someone with whom I had worked in ministry.  Here he was asking me to help him learn how not to feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit for his sinful behavior and attitude.

This man was to the point in which he felt as if he made a mistake when he married his wife.  He thought he had chosen the wrong woman for his wife.  If only he had waited to marry until he had found this woman who was his “soul mate.”

O, did I mention she also was married to another man with children?

Have you been there?  Are you there right now? 

Do you think you made the wrong choice when you married?  Do you feel like you have to make a choice between being miserable for the rest of your life or leaving the marriage so you can enjoy your life and possibly with someone better for you, maybe your “soul mate”?

“For those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord.  A wife must not leave her husband.  But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else be reconciled to him. And the husband must not leave his wife……Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches.” (I Corinthians 7:10-11, 17)

These words of the Apostle Paul can be tough to hear.  What is communicated here is the idea that your “marriage” is more important than your personal happiness.

I understand that there are times when there is nothing a person can do to salvage a marriage, especially if your spouse is set on abandoning it, or if your life is in danger due to your spouse’s behavior.

The consideration to abandon your marriage should be the same consideration you would give for having an arm or leg amputated from your body.  When God Married Adam and Eve in Genesis 2, they became “ONE flesh.”  Jesus repeats this line of thinking in Matthew 19 and Mark 10, when he refers to Genesis 2.  When a man and woman are married they are “one” and if they divide it will hurt and it will be messy with huge wounds.

If you are finding yourself in this marriage dilemma, I encourage you to change your thinking to how God can help you influence your marriage for the Glory of God.   

Your Center of Beauty

Your spouse is your center of beauty.

I wish my wife looked like:

  • The Hooters Chic
  • The Go Daddy Babe
  • That certain actress
  • The Local News Anchor
  • The lady singing at church
  • My Friend’s wife
  • The neighbor lady
  • Etc. etc. etc.

I wish my wife:

  • Had dark hair
  • Had red hair
  • Was a true blonde
  • Had bigger breasts
  • Was thinner
  • Was taller
  • Had a smaller nose
  • Laughed more
  • Didn’t talk as much
  • Liked the things I like
  • Wanted to have sex 24/7
  • Etc. etc. etc.

We hear this time and again, and what is even sadder is that wives also hear this talk from their husbands.  Now guys, do you really think that your wife is going to desire you and enjoy being with you if she knows you would prefer any number of other women over her?

When you communicate these desires to her, you

  • Create a distance in your relationship
  • Ruin the sexual union of your marriage
  • Contribute to her lack of self-esteem (which most women already deal with)
  • Place an unrealistic expectation on your wife
  • Open the door to sexual sin
  • AND you set yourself up to never be satisfied

Every time you compare your wife to someone else, you create a discontent in your heart.  The interesting thing about comparisons is that we tend to compare to a made-up image.  We usually see people at their best or at least we see what they want us to see.  When we marry someone, we see them at their best, at their worst, and the times in between.

One of the Ten Commandments is:

“You must not covet your neighbor’s house. You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.” (Exodus 20:17)

The word “covet” means: to desire or take pleasure in.  When you wish your wife “were” or “looked like”, you are coveting.  When your fantasy includes anyone other than your wife, you are coveting.

The funny thing about this whole line of thinking is that subconsciously you think you have no flaws—you’re the perfect gift to women and humanity—how crazy is that?

Now which one of you truly has the problem?

To expand on the concept that your spouse is your center of beauty I am including in this post a short video from a sermon preached by Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle.  It is well worth these five minutes of your time.