Your Center of Beauty

Your spouse is your center of beauty.

I wish my wife looked like:

  • The Hooters Chic
  • The Go Daddy Babe
  • That certain actress
  • The Local News Anchor
  • The lady singing at church
  • My Friend’s wife
  • The neighbor lady
  • Etc. etc. etc.

I wish my wife:

  • Had dark hair
  • Had red hair
  • Was a true blonde
  • Had bigger breasts
  • Was thinner
  • Was taller
  • Had a smaller nose
  • Laughed more
  • Didn’t talk as much
  • Liked the things I like
  • Wanted to have sex 24/7
  • Etc. etc. etc.

We hear this time and again, and what is even sadder is that wives also hear this talk from their husbands.  Now guys, do you really think that your wife is going to desire you and enjoy being with you if she knows you would prefer any number of other women over her?

When you communicate these desires to her, you

  • Create a distance in your relationship
  • Ruin the sexual union of your marriage
  • Contribute to her lack of self-esteem (which most women already deal with)
  • Place an unrealistic expectation on your wife
  • Open the door to sexual sin
  • AND you set yourself up to never be satisfied

Every time you compare your wife to someone else, you create a discontent in your heart.  The interesting thing about comparisons is that we tend to compare to a made-up image.  We usually see people at their best or at least we see what they want us to see.  When we marry someone, we see them at their best, at their worst, and the times in between.

One of the Ten Commandments is:

“You must not covet your neighbor’s house. You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.” (Exodus 20:17)

The word “covet” means: to desire or take pleasure in.  When you wish your wife “were” or “looked like”, you are coveting.  When your fantasy includes anyone other than your wife, you are coveting.

The funny thing about this whole line of thinking is that subconsciously you think you have no flaws—you’re the perfect gift to women and humanity—how crazy is that?

Now which one of you truly has the problem?

To expand on the concept that your spouse is your center of beauty I am including in this post a short video from a sermon preached by Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle.  It is well worth these five minutes of your time.

To Tell or Not to Tell…the Wife?

To tell or not to tell…the wife?

Over the years I have had men discuss with me whether to tell their wives about their internal lust.  With certain sins this is a “no brainer”; but with others, there tends to be some question.

For a few, they were told to either meet with me or start attending Clean Heart because their wife had discovered their issue.  But then the wife did not want to hear about the issue anymore, almost as if their non-involvement made it easier for them.  Or, maybe they were just uncomfortable and had no idea what to do.

This week I read a book titled, To Kill a Lion, by Bruce Lengeman. He also discussed how he had to make a choice when he started his healing journey.  After his first two counseling sessions he did tell his wife about his lustful heart.  He invited her to be part of his counseling and process of healing.  Somewhat expecting a negative reaction, he was surprised with his wife’s positive response toward his invitation.  Instead of looking down on him, she developed a stronger admiration for him. She viewed his desire to be a man with a heart of sexual integrity as strength instead of viewing his reaching out for help as a weakness.

By no means was he, or I, suggesting that the wife become a husband’s accountability partner.  Accountability partners are more successful and develop less friction if they are of the same sex.  But Pastor Lengeman does advocate that a wife be involved in a husband’s healing process.

So, knowing that there are a number of women, both single and married, who read the Clean Heart for Men blog; I am asking for your input:

  • Would you prefer your husband to tell you or not?
  • Would the type of issue he had determine if you would want to be told or not?
  • Would you want limits on how much he told you?
  •  Would you want to be a part of his counseling and/or healing process?  If you were educated on how to do so, would that matter?
  • Would you view his desire to have a heart of sexual integrity as strength? Or would you view the fact that he has an issue to be weakness?
  • If you were the one with the lustful heart issue, would you want your husband to be a part of your healing process?

I am interested in hearing the thoughts of women: single, married, widowed, or divorced.  Please let us hear your thoughts on the issue.  If you would prefer a form of anonymity, feel free to type in a false name or simply put “clean heart wife” as your name.